Home Is Where the Heart Is
by Interstate420
Summary: Alex Cabot, now Lara Dobras and a single mother, lives thousands of miles away from everything she ever loved and worked for thanks to an ordeal with a powerful drug lord. When she gets some news will it change her life for the better or for the worse?
1. Disclaimer 'n All That Good Shit

Home Is Where The Heart Is

****

**Disclaimer: ** I don't own shit, Dick Wolf does. Connor and Mackinley are mine. Just to point out, suing me would be utterly pointless and a waste of legal aid and talent. I'm 15 and I live with my parents…would do you want, my CPU and video games? Piss off!

**Dedication: **This story goes out to my Beta! You're so supportive and so wonderful. You keep me on my toes and you keep this story going. I also gotta give my sister Cadence some props, you were the one who kept pushing me to keep writing! Thanks to my father for making me the blunt, direct, sometimes-arrogant person that I am today. You've made me so French lol. Big ups do my Mommy for giving me those down home manors. I can't do anything without saying thank you lol.

**Notes: **If you've already read chapters 1-4 I think you should read them again. They've been edited (by the best beta in the world) and some things have been changed. Chapter 5 should be up soon and I don't want you readers to be confused, reading the old chapters again should help y'all understand what's to come next. Oh and to everybody who has been asking about when Alex is heading back home, she goes back in Chapter 5, that's all I'm telling' though! Anyways, enjoy reading and thanks for all the great reviews.

**Summary:** Alex Cabot, now Lara Dobras and a single mother, lives thousands of miles away from everything she ever loved and worked for thanks to an ordeal with a powerful drug lord. When she gets some news will it change her life for the better or for the worse?****


	2. Chapter One

**Home Is Where The Heart Is**

**Chapter One**

For a few, magical moments, thirty-four-year-old Alexandra Cabot felt as if she was back home in New York City. The air was slightly warm and could become foggy at times. There was that welcoming scent of car exhaust and the metallic tasting, adrenaline-rushing action that never made room for dullness, and there was always the gentle hum of conversation lulled her sense of isolation. She could almost forget that she was living in an unexciting, bland, suburban California city and pretend she was on her way to the courthouse to convict another hard ass trying to wreak havoc on an already imperfect society.

"Mommy; tell Connie to let me swing on the swing!"

Her eyes fell on her upset four-year-old son Kenny—a black haired boy with Caribbean green-blue eyes and creamy tanned skin. His pink lips were clinched together and his cheeks were already turning an angry shade of crimson. It was tempting just to ignore the quarrel between her twin sons and continue her mental journey to New York, savoring the memories she had of her long missed home. Instead, she reached out and softly touched one of her son's chubby cheeks; he smiled softly, her loving touch calming him. She took his hand and led him into the playground.

Alexandra glanced around at the rest of the children, whom were busy absorbing the hot weather and running about full of glee; Connie, her second son and Kenny's physical mirror image, sat in a swing brushing his feet through the air happily. He was clearly enjoying himself. The sound of his laughter rang throughout the well-populated park. Connie, she knew, wouldn't be too thrilled about having to part from the swing. A day out to the park only promised one thing to him; lots of swinging. She hated to disturb him, but she knew it had to be done.

"Connie," Alexandra called out. The boy came to a quick stop and grinned up at her happily. Waving excitedly he motioned for her and his brother to join him, it was as if he didn't remember the beef between him and Kenny. Or he just didn't care. When they reached him, Connie pointed up to the sky and laughed. "You see how high I got Mommy?"

"Yeah I did, good job kiddo," she leaned over and kissed his cheek the same way she'd kissed his brother's. That gesture earned her another smile; her own smile. "Now that you've been able to get really high, let's give Kenny a try."

"That one's empty," Connie sat pointing the swing adjacent to him. He didn't have a complaining tone of voice; Connie wasn't much of a complainer. He was almost always calm about things, which was unusual for a four-year-old. "Kenny can use that one."

"I want that one; you had that one since forever!"

"We haven't been here since forever," Connie pointed out calmly.

"Get off you…"

"Hey!" Alex shouted jumping between her boys. "No need to get physical. Here's the deal, Connie you get on the other swing and let Kenny have that one until we leave. Take it or leave it."

"Okay," Connie answered nonchalantly jumping off of the swing, even holding it for Kenny to get on. Alex helped them both onto the swings, gave them each a few pushes, and headed back to her bench.

The warmth of Earth's yellow star warmed her face. Insects droned on ceaselessly; it would be easy to drift off to sleep. But she wanted these few moments to be hers to daydream; to pretend for this short time that she wasn't over two thousand miles from New York City; that she wasn't carrying the extraordinary responsibility of keeping her true self balled up inside; that she wasn't struggling to keep her hopes up; that she didn't even have to keep her hopes; that she wasn't lying to her children. For just these few minutes, she would lie there and imagine she was back in New York, back to being herself, had her children welcomed by her family and friends and she'd be returning to the same loving arms. That she went to back to her old life—and John Munch.

She'd finally half managed to resolve her feelings for the detective. It had taken over a year before he wasn't creeping into her thoughts, before she stopped hearing his voice, his laughter, in her mind. She had hidden his pictures because they only kept the wounds open; she decided (although sometimes she doubted it) that after four years, he would've written her death off as the truth and moved on with his life. She must do the same. Recently she realized that she was starting to forget what he looked like, but when she looked at her children, their children, his image kept creeping back and smacking down her feeble attempts at moving on.

If she had forgotten him, why was he the star of her daydream? Simple; she hadn't really forgotten him. She'd been telling herself that for so long she'd begun to believe it. She still loved him, that wasn't going to change; whether she liked it or not. Alexandra closed her eyes, pictured John and thought of the homecoming conversation she'd have with him.

_"There were times when I didn't think I could stand it anymore, ya know?" said Alex. "You can't imagine how hard it was to look at our children and not tell them about you, about us, about all this. I had to keep my sprits up for them, just had to. I couldn't risk them losing their happiness because their Mommy did." She was sitting across from John at table in the kitchen of his Brooklyn apartment. The huge windows let the light seep into the welcoming space. She ate the fresh chicken blue cheese salad slowly, savoring the graceful flavor on her tongue. _

_John, warm and loving, smiled at her. "You did what you had to do. But does being a mother mean not being able to show the slightest weakness? Is that what being strong means to you? That you're not allowed the feelings other people are?" _

_"That's how it felt to me. I had to be confident, let them know they were safe with me. And it worked; they don't have a scar on them." John reached out a hand and caressed her face and whispered, "And I'm so proud of you for that." _

_"Proud enough to make love to me?" John laughed and pulled her from her chair. "I'm always proud enough to do that." _

Resting her hand against the park bench, Alexandra smiled to herself. She missed making love to John. The feeling of his body next to hers, the smell of his cologne wrapped in the sheets, the things he'd whisper to her. She hadn't been with a man since the night they'd conceived the twins. Then again, she wouldn't let any other men in.

"Mommy, can we go home now?" Kenny was already at home in her lap and Connie was just standing up with his arms folded. Alexandra found herself staring at them, looking for their father. She found John's boyish ears sticking out the sides of her boys heads; they reminded her of the ears on little elephants. She remembered how she used to tug on John's to make him smile at her. When she'd tug on her sons' she'd get the same response. She noticed Kenny watching her with his left eyebrow raised and his head cocked to the side. The look was all John Munch. "Do I gots something on my face?

"No sweetheart you don't _have _anything on your face," she laughed. She stood up from the bench and took their hands into hers. "You guys hungry?" she already knew the answer, Kenny and Connie guzzled down food like American made cars guzzled down gas. When they shouted their "yes" in unison Alex paused for a minute and said, "Who wants Pizza?"

"I do, I do!" both boys practically jumped out of their shoes when she mentioned the cheesy Italian meal. It was one of the few things about her new home that reminded her of New York. It was also a plus that her boys loved it as much as she did.

As soon as they got home she ordered pizza and dinner was a joyous affair. The boys devoured half of the extra large pepperoni and sausage pie by themselves and finished off most of the soda. Although she basically had to push the salad down their throats, they boys finished their meal happily, ending it with individual burps.

"What's for dessert?" Kenny asked after letting out a second burp.

"That's enough burping, both of you, and what have I told you about not saying excuse me?"

"Not enough because we still do it," Kenny dealt her a cheeky grin but he immediately wiped it off when she glared at him. He looked to Connie for help and Connie, being himself, jumped from his chair and into his mother's lap. As usual he had to redeem Kenny. Putting his head on her chest he tilted his head and whispered, "You told us we weren't 'posed to burp without saying excuse me. Me and Kenny are both sorry."

"No need to be sorry, just remember to be polite at the table," Alexandra tugged playfully at her son's coiled ponytail. "And as for dessert, Kenny it's your turn to pick buddy. Chocolate ice-cream or SpongeBob Popsicles?"

"Uh…" Kenny closed his eyes and rubbed his temple in thought. Alexandra didn't know rather to laugh or cry, he looked so much like his father, and she figured she'd repress everything about Munch like she'd repressed so many other things in her life. No matter how hard she tried he'd still lingered in her thoughts, in her life, in her boys. It was just impossible to forget him. "Mommy, you okay?" Kenny's voice pulled her abruptly back to reality. She reached out and stroked his tiny hand.

"I'm fine, just thinking. So…did you decide?"

"Yeah, Sponge Bob Popsicles."

"Alrighty; You guys get ready for your bath; you can eat them while you're washing up."

Downstairs, Alexandra was tossing through the top shelf of her linen closet looking a special picture of her and John Munch at a posh Manhattan restaurant celebrating Alex's win on a case. They'd had a random bystander snap the image of Munch's arm around her waist and his head resting against her shoulder. Her midnight blue eyes gleamed with joy while his chocolate ones were filled with love. She hated that picture.

When she found it she plopped onto her big black leather couch and began to cry. Tears splattering the glass covering the painful image from her past as wishes for change flooded her mind. She wanted to slap herself for looking at it; she knew it would bring back happy yet painful memories. But she just let it go, no matter how hard she tried. No new identity, house, or life could really change anything. She was still Alexandra Cabot, Kenny and Connie were still John Munch's children, and her heart still belonged to him as much as she belonged in New York.

"Mommy we're ready now!" She let out a slight laugh at the sounds of Kenny's voice; it always made her smile when her children called her "Mommy", there was a time in her life when she never thought she'd be one. She didn't think she could handle being a mother after all the things she'd seen as an ADA for the New York Police Department's Special Victim's Unit. Children who'd been raped, sodomized and beaten; the parents who were ripped apart by another person's hunger for power. When she learned of her pregnancy, Alex just couldn't imagine bringing a life into so unsafe a world. She thought it was wrong. But when she looked into the eyes of her babies, she knew, like the mother's of those victims, there was a way to get through it. Alex peered down at the picture in her hands and whispered, "We'll get through it." She kissed John, placed the photo back in the closet, and headed to the bathroom with a soft smile lighting her face.

"Do you gots to wash it?" Connie asked, running his fingers over his wet curly hair. It was long, almost to the middle of his back, and thick. It was the one physical feature that distinguished him from Kenny and he loved it. Only thing was, washing it was hell. Alexandra basically had to hold him down to get the soap out. The way he'd scream and cry broke her heart, she hated to torture him, but he had to learn early that everything comes with a challenge; nothing's easy.

"Sorry kiddo, but I have to."

"Can we do it tomorrow?" he whimpered.

"No sweetie we can't, but think of it this way, we won't have to wash it for another two days. You can have a break."

"I don wanna! Please don't make me."

"You shoulda got a hair cut like me," Kenny smiled at his brother and patted his almost bald head. "Then you wouldn't have to get your hair washed."

"Mommy please don't," Connie pleaded, ignoring Kenny's feeble attempt to upset him. The tears were already beginning to fall. "You don't have to read me a story tonight or chase away the monsters! Please don't!

"I'm sorry kiddo, but when you have long hair you have to wash it. Just tilt your head back, it won't take long.

After a few good blood curdling screams, lots of tears, and a whole bunch of kisses and backrubs, Connie's hair was finally washed. Alexandra lifted the sobbing boy into her arms and dried his curls while rubbing his back. When Connie quieted she placed him on the daffodil yellow floor towel and dried him off, then repeated the process with a shivering Kenny. When both boys were dry, she lifted them both up into her arms and carried them to their rooms.

"I think tonight we're going to read in Kenny's room tonight," Alexandria told Connie after handing him a pair of clean Spiderman pajamas and underwear. He nodded sadly, slowly dressing. Alexandra knew he was still sad about his hair. She knew he'd be back to normal after he got dressed, but she hated to see him that way. "Maybe you should get a haircut kiddo, it would make things easier for you."

"No, I don wanna. I love my hair. Don't worry Mommy, I'm not sad no more," he smiled up at her lovingly and placed his hand in hers. She lifted him up and placed a kiss on his forehead. "Come on, let's go read."

"Do we gotta read tonight?" Kenny asked from his bed. He'd already knocked off his stuffed animals to make room for his mother and pulled out his trundle bed for Connie, but didn't seem quite happy about having them there. "I'm tired."

"No we don't have to, Connie do you mind?"

"No, I can sleep in here with Kenny. The monsters won't come if me and Kenny is in here together."

"You guys sure," when they nodded she helped both of them into their beds, kissed them, and turned off the light. "Goodnight guys."

"Goodnight. Go to sleep Mommy, you're tired. I order you!" Connie yelled to her after she shut the door.

She was amused when Connie "ordered" her to get some sleep; even her four-year-old knew it was imperative for her to rest all she could—he seemed to know she needed to be at her sharpest to get by in the world—but she still felt like a child being told to take a nap.

And again, like every other night, she couldn't sleep. She tried going through the techniques she'd developed over the years to combat her spells of insomnia. She sat in her breezy, poorly lit room, doing breathing patterns, relaxation exercises she read in her yoga magazine, and meditation. She even tried a warm tall glass of milk.

In her all her efforts to relax her mind, one thought came pushing back. She was lost. She needed to get back to New York and back to John Munch. This was probably the billionth time she'd faced that dilemma. Her life had always been a series of challenges and crisis', and most of her energy had gone into coping with them, trying to fix them. She'd been tested time and again, pushed to limits where she just knew she'd fall, and then pushed further. Would this shit ever end? Would there be a day that she wasn't called to solve an impossible problem, play the hero, to overcome some life-threatening obstacle. She just wanted to throw her hands in the air and yell out "fuck it!" Just give up! The thought was tempting; she was tired of challenges. There was a time when they fueled her blazing fire, strengthened her, but now they threatened to overwhelm. She needed help; she wanted someone to stand by her side…somebody who'd help her take care of everything….

_"I came over as soon as you called; what's going on? Are you okay? Where are the boys? Did something happen to them?" _

_Alexandra looked into the worried eyes of her boyfriend and sighed loudly. They'd just reclaimed their relationship; everything wasn't perfect but they were both happy. He'd fallen in love with her sons and come to grips with the notion that "she wasn't a priest; she didn't have to remain celibate". John had been accepting and more than willing to overlook the past and start a beautiful present, but she just couldn't keep him in the dark any longer. It wasn't right. He had a right to know._

_"Calm down," she placed a welcoming kiss on his lips and smiled. "They're with Olivia; they can't get enough of each other. She jumped at the opportunity to spend time with them and the boys couldn't contain themselves either." _

_"I think they've got a little crush on a certain lady detective," John laughed. "When you bring them to the station, they just follow her around like love sick puppies; it's cute." _

_"Yeah," Alex sighed again and walked over to the couch. Running her fingers through her long blonde hair, she peered up at John with strained and sad eyes; she hated herself for not telling sooner, all this would've been a lot easier if he knew from get go. "John...I think you…umm…should sit down…." _

_"What's the matter, are you aright?" _

_"I will be as soon as I get this out," when he sent her a confused look she took both of his aged hands into hers. She kissed one gently and stared into his eyes. "I really don't know an easy way to tell you his John…" _

_"Not everything in life comes with ease, just say it, it'll be okay." _

_"My…the boys…I've never said much about their father…." _

_"I told you, it doesn't matter, I'm their father now…." _

_"Let me finish….I…you….you're….their father John….you're Mackinley and Connor's biological father…." _

_He just stared at her, his face unreadable, his eyes empty. He got up from the couch and walked over to the television stand where Alexandra kept a few pictures; she'd nicknamed it "the timeline shelf". The pictures went from her as child to her with the SVU squad, loads of her with the boys, and a recent one of the two of them posing with the twins at the NYPD's New Year's party. He picked up the recent photo, not looking at it, and sat down next to Alexandra. _

_"They defiantly have your eyes," his voice just above a whisper he pointed to the boy's smiling faces. It was his turn to sigh. He kept his eyes on the picture as her spoke. "I…I…I guess I've always known. They look like you, a lot like you, but I've always saw myself in them. I guess…I guess I was letting myself see what I wanted to see, ya know? I wanted so desperately for them to be mine, but I just figured they weren't, but that voice in the back of my head said they were, and being me I just ignored it. But I can see it, their ears...my ears. Some of the faces they make, the way Kenny rubs his temple in thought and the way Connie raises his eyebrow," John looked up at her with a happy but questioning smile. "When?" _

_"When what?" _

_"When did we…did we make them?" _

_"It was that night when…"_

Alexandra's head shot up and her eyes flew open and for a spilt second she didn't know where she was. Memories of her _real _life, hopes, and feelings floated around her, vaporous and fleeting. She tried to hug to them but they faded away like shadows in light. Then the present came galloping back: she was in California, she was a single mother named Lara Dobras, taught fifth grade math at a local elementary school, and she had no love life. With pain came tears, and so she let them fall.

"Mommy are you okay?" she turned her head abruptly and found Connie in her doorway clutching his favorite teddy bear; the hallway light kissed his concerned features and his eyes roamed her face for answers. "Why ya crying?"

"Come here kiddo," he scuttled over to the space she'd made for him in the covers. Alexandra pushed a stray curl from his eyes and kissed his nose. She nearly cried again when he reached up and softly dried her tears, like she did for him. She pushed back the tears, she never cried around the boys intentionally, and pulled her son into her arms. "Don't worry about me sweetie, I was just thinking about an old friend. So, what are you doing up at this hour?"

"I had to go to the bathroom and then I heard you crying, so I came to see if you was okay."

"You're such a sweet little boy," she kissed his nose again. "You want to sleep in here or do you want to go back in Kenny's room?"

"Here! I like sleeping with you, you smell good and he doesn't."

"Alright Mister Man, close those eyes; we still have some fun to have tomorrow."

"Okay, and Mommy?"

"Yes Connie?"

"The sad monsters will go away if you cry. You can cry with me Mommy, I won't mind."

"Thank you," and to her surprise a tear slipped. He patted her hand softly and rolled over. She watched him drift into sleep before whispering to herself. "Thank you, John."


	3. Chapter Two

**Chapter 2**

"What are we gonna do today?" Kenny asked eagerly while Alexandra was ironing his clothes. She'd dedicated the two weeks before her summer teaching started to spending time with the boys. During the school year they didn't get to do much together, maybe going to the park every other week or going to see a movie, but other than that her days belonged to her students. Since it was the summer she had more free time and more energy, both of which she was giving to her boys.

"You pick," she said handing him his t-shirt. "Since Connie picked yesterday, it's your turn."

"Can we go to Aunt Jesse's house?" He asked referring to the Federal Marshall that posed as her best friend and the twin's babysitter. The two had developed a great relationship over the last four years. She was the only person who knew Alexandra's secret and she had no problem listening to whatever she said to say. Jesse had even been with her during her pregnancy. She also had two children around Kenny and Connie's age so the boys had relationships with both of them. Alexandra was lucky to at least have Jesse. "Brandon gots this new Playstation game and he promised me he'd show how to play it."

"I'll call Jesse and sort everything out, you can wake up Connie. He's in my room."

"Mkay, should I bring him his clothes too?"

"He can get them when comes in here," Alexandra picked up the phone and dialed Jesse's number and as usual she picked up the phone on the second ring, she was always on her toes when it came to Alexandra and the twins. She had to be. When Jesse yelled a quick 'hello' into the phone, she smiled lightly. It felt good to know that she had one trusty companion near by. "Hey, it's Lara."

"No shit," Jesse laughed. She wasn't like most Marshals; they stick hadn't been placed up her ass yet. Her sense of humor was still strong, her laugh was still joy filled, and her golden-brown eyes weren't insipid. She was vibrant, hilarious, and kind. Qualities that helped Alexandra get through some of her worst days. "What's up?"

"Nothing yet, just wondering what you're doing today, wanted to know if the boys and I could stop by."

"No problem Brandon's been waiting for Kenny to help him out with that new game his Dad got him. I don't understand why they get so excited about pushing buttons and watching things move around a television. When I was a kid going outside was the thing do to. I loved it and my parents loved it. Then again, playing outside is free."

"I guess I'm lucky," she laughed slightly. "They've got a Playset or whatever that thing's called but they still go outside. Well balanced children. Anyway, what time should we show up?"

"Marcus is still asleep, boy sleeps like the dead, and Brandon's taking a shower. By the time you get here they'll be dressed and waiting."

"Are you trying to say I'm slow?"

"Slow? Slow wouldn't do you justice. You move like molasses in the winter time."

"Anyway, I'll see you soon."

"Uh-huh, we'll be waiting."

"G'Morning Mommy," Connie yawned after she hung up the phone. He rushed up to her and wrapped his arm around her waist grinning widely. "Kenny said we're going to Aunt Jesse's house."

"We are as soon as you get dressed and get your hair combed. Your clothes are on the ironing board."

After Connie was dressed and groomed the threesome ate breakfast and loaded up into the car. Since Jesse lived in Oakland they'd have to drive quickly and Alexandra wanted to prove she wasn't slow. When both boys were strapped into their seatbelts she back out of their drive way and peeled off down the road.

"Want some more coffee?" Jesse smiled at Alexandra as she held the pot in front of her. She held up a fending hand against the pot and shook her head politely. She'd already had three cups in addition to a bagel and cream cheese.

"No thanks, I'm stuffed, can't eat another bite."

"I picked out the strawberry cream cheese, Aunt Lara. Mom thought would be weird but everybody who eats it likes it," This was from Marcus, the eldest of Jesse's two boys. At seven, three years older than the twins, he was a shy quiet boy who enjoyed mostly cartoons and computer games. He was the spitting image of his mother with warm honey eyes covered with long lashes most women would envy and kinky hair the color of coal, not to mention his smooth caramel skin. Alex was also rather fond of Marcus. She loved his humbleness and his love of making others happy. She knew he'd make somebody a good companion one day. "Mom said it was a waste of money."

"It was," Jesse proclaimed fingering one of Marcus' cornrows. "I can put some strawberries in my own cream cheese and have it taste the same."

"Then why'd you buy it?" Kenny asked from Alexandra's lap. His eyebrow arched as usual when he was confused about something.

"That's a good question, why don't you ask Marcus while you guys up to his room."

"Aww, you're kicking us out?"

"Pretty much; oh and Marcus, tell your brother to finishing picking up his bedroom before he and Connie start that game. I don't want to see anything that looks like there could have been a mess." When the boys were out of earshot and up the stairs, Jesse put down her coffee cup and joined Alexandra, who was sitting on a stool at the island counter. "I've gotten some news about everything back in New York."

"Good or bad?"

"In between, Velez is still active but nobody has physically seen him. The DEA has some agents scattered within his operation, so there might be a chance that they'll pick up something."

"So I might be able to go back to New York?" excitement filled her voice and swept over her features.

"Maybe," Jesse whispered, placing a comfortable hand on her shoulder. "But don't get your hopes up too high, it's not certain yet."

"I know. I just miss everyone and everything so much, it's hard to not get excited when you hear news like that. How are my parents? Have you checked in on everybody in the squad? How are they?"

"Your parents are doing much better; both are dealing with everything well. They've come a long way. The usual with the squad; Olivia is still pushing us to let her contact you, make sure you're okay and Eliot's sad about everything but he's understanding. I sent Olivia a picture of you, I thought it was the least I could do. Everybody else…well…they're still grieving over you, but things have gotten easier for them."

"Sounds good." Alex sighed softly and buried her head in her hands. Tears began to sting in her eyes, and poured feely, rolling down her face and dripping off of her chin; great sobs began to rack her. Never in her life had she been so miserable. And yet the very misery itself was soothing; she _deserved _to be miserable after what she put her friends and loved ones through. If she hadn't of taunted Velez, none of this would be happening. All because of her sharp wit her children didn't know their family, hell they didn't even know her real name, and she was stranded away from everything she worked so hard for.

"It's okay Lara-"

"No," she interrupted. "It's not okay! Thanks to me and my big mouth my children don't know their father; they don't even know his name or what he looks like. They haven't even heard his voice and he doesn't even know they exist. I'm far away from the people who love me and who I love most, all because I'm a smart-aleck. You have no idea how much that eats me up inside."

"You were just doing your job and being yourself, none of this is your fault! You didn't ask for any of these events and you didn't ask for your life to be like this."

"Just doing my job…how many times did I hear that while working with SVU? Every time something got screwed up or somebody got fucked over, somebody would say that to assuage the guilt. Those words never have and probably never will ease any of my feelings. I just keep thinking about how I'm going to tell John about the boys when I get back."

"Tell him the truth, he knows what happened."

"They don't look much like him, what if he doesn't believe me?"

"Why wouldn't he? He knows you're an honest woman who loves him dearly. Why would you just immerge from hiding, go back to New York City, to pin two children on him? He's got to know you better than that."

"You don't know John; the man comes up with more conspiracies than supermarket tabloids. I'm sure he can come up with a reason."

"Stop thinking like that. He loves you and that's all that matters, everything will fold out in due time."

"God I hope so."

"Enough with this boo hooing; it's evident that you need to have a little fun. Let's take the kids to the beach. It's burning up out there and the kids don't need to be in the house all day."

"All right, we'll take my car since I have to pick up the boy's swimsuits."

"Fine with me, shit, with these gas prices…"

"You're such a cheapskate."

"Damn right; I work for the US Government, remember?"

Six hours later Alexandra was spread out on her couch with a Super Bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos and a tall cup of organic mango juice. The boys were in bed and she'd just rented _Swordfish _staring her Hollywood husband, Hugh Jackman, which was her idea of a good treat. She needed something to relax her mind and keep her thoughts away from New York. She'd had a familiar feeling in the pit of her stomach since Jesse's update, like the one she'd gotten when she found out she was pregnant and also when John admitted his feelings to her. Butterflies. A mixture of shyness and fright, happiness and relief. As much as her spirit longed for home, her mind had no idea where to start her life off. She couldn't just rush back to the DA and back into everybody's life. And the children! How the hell was she going to explain all this to them? Who knew something she wished for everyday could be so complicated.

"Who the hell is that?" she snapped to no one in particular when the loud ringing of the telephone blasted throughout the room. A quick check of the time showed that she'd slept for over five hours, though she would've sworn her eyes hadn't closed. She pressed the "talk" button down and snapped an annoyed 'hello' into the phone, she didn't mean to sound so harsh but it was four o'clock in the morning.

"Sorry I didn't mean to wake you up, but it's important."

"It's alright," Alex yawned and ran her fingers through her hair. "What's up?"

"It's over Lara."

"What the hell are you talking about?" she was too asleep to put two and two together, but when she did her voice quieted to a whisper. "He's…he's…"

"Dead," Jesse finished. "He was murdered in a shoot out between his men and police. All of them are gone. You're free. Olivia should be there by morning to bring you the papers and what not."

"Free…Olivia? You mean she's coming here; as in to California?"

"Yes. Everybody figured you wouldn't mind; if you're not comfortable…"

"No! I'm more than comfortable with that. What about the boys? They don't know anything about all this…"

"Bring them here on the way to the airport; they can spend their time with us."

"I...uh…what time does her flight get in?"

"She should be in Oakland in four hours; she left as soon as she got the news. Her flight gets in at eight."

"I'll have the boys at your house by seven. They're going to kill me for waking them up so early."

"They can go back to sleep as soon as they get here. Don't sweat the small stuff. You need to concentrate on what you're going to tell Olivia."

"You're right; I'll call you before I come."

"Be strong, Lara."

So much for not thinking about New York.


	4. Chapter Three

**Chapter 3**

Alexandra was amazed by the sheer number of people marching around Oakland International Airport. There were tons of people waiting in lines, being checked by security and checking destination signs. Still no sign of Olivia Benson. She'd been waiting for the past hour for the female detective and was getting rather annoyed. Though she knew the annoyance was just there because she was afraid, she kept glaring at world, waiting for another challenge.

"Lara? Lara Dobras?"

"Yes," she muttered without lifting her head up. Normally she was more alert around strangers, but today wasn't a normal day. Hoping the feminine voice would go away, she continued to stare out towards the gate, but when she still felt the presence she tilted her head up and snapped. "Yes…"

"Okay let's try this again. Alexandra Cabot?" That got her attention. She studied the tall brown-eyed brunette before nearly jumping out of her skin. She felt herself being pulled into a warm embrace; tears kissed her cheeks as the realization hit. "Olivia! It's been…"

"Four years," Olivia pulled out of the embrace and took both of the younger woman's hands into hers. "Four whole years. I missed you so much; it feels so good to see you again." Alex nodded her head slightly, looking away for a quick second, and then turned her attention back to her friend.

"You grew your hair out! Oh, did you bring any bags?"

"Nah, everything's in here," she rested her arm on the black duffle bag she'd been carrying. "I figured that's why you didn't recognize at first. Anyway, I can't stand suitcases. So, which way to your car?"

The first thing Alexandra did when she got home was pour herself a shot of Chopin Vodka. She'd gotten it for moments like these, moments filled with stress and confusion. Maybe some good potato vodka could relax her; booze did have its way of bringing things out in her and hopefully it would ease her stress.

"Want a drink?"

"No thanks, but if you've got juice I'd like some of that," Olivia answered from the couch. Alex watched Olivia survey the family room and take in everything she saw. The sunlit room was just off the pea green titled kitchen and it served mostly as an entertainment room for guests and the boys. A flat, thirty-two inch television sat on a stained oak stand along with a Playstation 2 and a DVD player. DVDs and a few video games were close by, arranged neatly on a shelf. Adding a little comfort to the space was a neutral colored rug and some huge olive pillows scattered in front of the television. Olivia liked what she saw. "I didn't know you were a videogame person."

"Huh?" Alex sat Olivia's orange juice next to her Vodka on the tempered glass coffee table and took a seat. Olivia giggled slightly and pointed to the black controller on the floor.

"Things have changed," was Alex's only response.

"I see," this time Olivia turned her attention to the pictures of Kenny and Connie on the coffee table. Alex silently cursed herself for not moving them. "They're yours aren't they…"

Alex just nodded.

"You being you, I didn't think you'd leave all the evidence in plan view. You mind if I look at them?" she picked up the two frames and handed them to her friend. The pictures were of the boys on their fourth birthday. Neither of them wanted a party so she'd taken them camping in the Marin Headlands; both had the time of their lives. "They're the cutest! What are their names?"

"Mackinley is the one holding up the marshmallow and Connor is the one with the ponytail."

"They're so adorable! How old are they?" when Alex answered, she gasped. "John?"

"Yea…how….how'd you know?"

"He was your boyfriend before you left; we all knew that, besides, who could mistake those ears?"

"I didn't intend for you to find out about them so quickly! I was just so spaced out before I left; I intended to hide everything" she sighed, staring down at the boy's pictures. "I guess things don't always happen the way intend for them to."

"Are you telling me or yourself?"

"Both," Alex admitted with a small smile. "I….I never intended to get pregnant. I'm not complaining, but I wasn't ready for kids, especially with my life being the way it was."

"Well that's understandable."

"I hope John understands when I tell him_, if_ I tell him…"

"Wait, he didn't know you were having his child….uh….children? And what you mean _if?_"

"I didn't know myself until I moved here! I was late, moody as hell, and I was always tired and dizzy. I just passed it off as stress from the whole Velez ordeal. Jesse, my friend and the federal marshal that's assigned to me, suggested I get checked out by a doctor. The Doctor confirmed my worst fears, I was pregnant. God Olivia I was so scared! Me a mother? At first I thought of abortion and adoption was way out of the question, but they were…the only piece of John I had left. I just don't know how to explain everything to him. I'm dead and then the next minute I show up with two children that don't look anything like him; what if he doesn't believe me? How the hell am I going to explain this to everybody?"

"I know all this must be hard on you and I can't imagine what you're going through, but you don't need to worry about John. He maybe cynical and a conspiracy theorist, but he's not stupid. He loves you and he knows good and well you wouldn't intentionally do anything to hurt him."

"So he hasn't moved on?"

"That's one thing he hasn't done. After your uh…death…he became very reserved. You know, more of a hermit and extra sarcastic, but whenever your name came up he had nothing but good things to say about you. He wasn't shy about loving you. He'd show pictures of you to whoever asked," Alex sent her a surprised look but it quickly vanished when Olivia nodded to confirm her story. "I know it's not Munch's style, but he did it. I think you're the first woman he ever really loved."

"That's why all this eats me up inside," she let the salty emotional droplets rain down her face without restraint. Public weeping wasn't the Cabot manner, but she'd been Lara Dobras for so long that she was going to break her true character for a moment. "He thinks I'm dead, he doesn't think I left him! If he knew that I asked to see you and Elliot instead of him, it would devastate him completely. Let's not even mention the fact that I've been sending messages to you and not him and that I forget to mention that I've got two children with him!"

"He'll understand Alex! He loves you!"

"Yeah well love doesn't always fix everything," Alex snapped bitterly.

"Well why didn't you ask to see him?" Olivia countered with just as much venom. She hadn't really meant to be so harsh, but Alex needed to see things clearly. "Why didn't you tell him you were alive?!"

"Because I'm a fucking coward!" she'd intended to yell but it came out a wordy sob. "I couldn't face him, okay? I couldn't look into his eyes and tell him I had to leave him, that I'd never see him again! I couldn't end it; I just wanted to remember the way he smiled at me, the happy times. I didn't want everything to end all fucked up and depressing. Besides, the Marshals figured him knowing would be dangerous. You know how stubborn John is; they figured he'd just follow me. They didn't want him leading harm my way. And how do you tell somebody they've got children but they'll never get to see them? How the hell do you do that to somebody you love?"

"I'm so sorry Alex, I shouldn't have been so harsh; come here," to her surprise Alex fled into Olivia's open arms. There lay the refuge she'd missed; there lay comfort. She and Olivia had bonded over the time they'd been colleagues and Olivia was always there when Alex, rarely, need a shoulder to cry on. There in her friend's arms she didn't need to be tough and she didn't need to be a stone wall. It was there tears were dried, feelings were soothed, and anxieties were calmed. "Did that help?"

"I haven't cried like that since…well…yesterday…"

"Yeah well yesterday was a big day for you; you deserved a good cry."

"You're right-" the unmistakable ringing of the phone interrupted Alex in mid sentence. Alex shrugged it off, but Olivia graciously gestured for her to answer it. "Sorry about this, hello?"

"Hey Lara it's Jesse, I hate to be rude but I was wondering if I could leave the kids with you for just a second; a friend of mine needs some help and there isn't enough room for her and the kids in my car…"

"Don't worry about it."

"Ya sure? You and Olivia work everything out?"

"Not everything but we're getting there; I think it's okay for you to bring the kids here, there shouldn't be any problem."

"Alright, see you soon."

"The kids coming home?"

"Yeah. Along with Jesse's two boys. The four of them are inseparable, especially Connie and her youngest son Brandon. Right next to the proverb 'opposites attract' is an eight by ten glossy of the two of them."

About an hour later, the whoop and clatter of four young boys filled the house. As usual they exuded the energy of a hurricane. Alex wiggled her eyebrows at Olivia and held up her hand, dropping a finger counting how long until the boys reached the family room. Just as she reached a fist Kenny came running into the room flashing his typical excited smile.

"Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, today Marcus and his friends taught us 'yo mama jokes' and we told them to each other and we—" Kenny same skidding to a halt when he saw Olivia sitting next to his mother. "Who's the pretty lady?" he asked sweetly, such a natural flirt.

"This is my friend Detective Olivia Benson; she's visiting from New York."

"You must be Mackinley." Olivia stuck her hand out and the child gladly took it.

"That's my big name, but my little name is Kenny."

"Well Kenny, did you have fun today?"

"Yeah, we played a game of cops and robbers. Me and my friend Marcus was the defectives trying to figure out who robed my brother. Do you find robbers at your work?"

"I catch all kinds of people."

"Your feet must be tired then; I only chased one bad guy and my feet felt like they was gonna fall off."

"Yes," Olivia laughed. "They are."

"Okay," Kenny shrugged and smiled. "Mommy, can you please tell Marcus that I went into my room?"

"Sure thing buddy," Alex patted his head lovingly before he exited the room. She noticed Marcus, Brandon, and Connie from the corner of her eye and quickly waved them over. Marcus and Brandon both smiled shyly at Olivia while Connie buried himself in his mother's lap. "Guys this is Detective Olivia Benson, my friend from New York; she's going to be visiting us."

"I'm Brandon," the short five-year-old stuck his hand out and proudly shook Olivia's. He flashed a huge dimpled smile and put his chubby arm on Connie's leg. "This is my best-friend Connie and Marcus is my brother; he's seven."

"Hi Marcus," he sent her a quiet polite smile and stared down at his shoes. He was always shy around new people. Olivia returned the smile warmly and turned to Connie. "And you must be Kenny's twin brother."

"Hi," His voice muffled by Alex's neck.

"He's really shy," Alex explained. "Connie can you shake Olivia's hand?"

"Sorry," he stuck his hand and smiled and introduced himself respectfully. "I'm Connor, but everybody calls me Connie."

"It's good to meet you cutie."

"You too, come on Brandon let's go in my room."

"Oh Marcus," Alex called just before they headed for the stairs. "Kenny's waiting for you in his bedroom."

"Thanks Aunt Lara."

"They're so cute; Kenny's quite the little charmer. They look so much like you, especially when they smile."

"Yeah they've defiantly got the Cabot stamp, but don't let their looks fool you; John is all in there. So did you make arrangements to stay at a hotel?"

"To be honest I didn't think about that, I just called Cragen and left."

"Whoa, you told Cragen you were coming to see me?"

"Don't be silly. I told him I had a family emergency, he was a little nosey about it, but he didn't complain."

"Sorry to be so paranoid. I just got a little worried. Well since you haven't made any hotel arrangements you can stay here, I've got a guestroom upstairs."

"I'd like that, besides I've got some surprises for you too."

"Oh really? Well you can start spilling while we get you settled in."


	5. Chapter Four

**Chapter 4**

The sand was warm and smooth; the micro pebbles heated Alexandra's feet as she lay on her back, relaxing on a soft towel next to Olivia. The sun was high overhead, but unlike the day before the weather was balmy and comfortable. Jesse, whom Olivia liked when she met her, suggested that they discuss everything outside, in the open, and that it would make things easier. As usual Alex found her friend being right. The two women sat smiling and talking with each other, not pretending as if everything was normal, but making the situation less dramatic, of which made Alex feel relieved.

"You know," Alex eyeballed Olivia before biting into a peach. "You have yet to start talking about your new surprises and I'm starting to get a headache trying to figure them out."

"Then stop trying to figure them out."

"Anyway," she rolled her eyes and swatted at her friend. "I want to know!"

"Be patient; I'll get to it."

"Before hell freezes over would be nice," when Olivia just stared at her she shook her head and continued. She could draw it out of her, take her old lawyer tricks out for a spin, but what was the point? Olivia would talk when she was ready. Alex just wished she'd hurry up. "How long you staying?"

"Not long, three maybe four days; we're working on a major rape homicide and Cragen needs as many hands as possible. I'm lucky to even be here."

"Why'd you come? Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to see you, but why'd you need to bring the papers?"

"I didn't exactly need to, I just wanted to see you, and there was so much I wanted to tell you."

"Well I'm glad you came, even though you have yet to spill the beans."

"I'll fill you in sooner or later, as a matter of fact you know that saying, 'I can show you better than I can tell you'?"

"I can see were you're going with this…"

"You don't have to stay, just visit; try things on for size."

"And how am I going to explain the boys?"

"You don't necessarily have to. I'm not saying you should drag it out, but you should explain everything when both you and Munch are comfortable around each other. Everything's not going to be the same or come to back normal instantly, but you can try to save what you and Munch had."

"I just hope I'm not making a big mistake…"

"You're not," Olivia reassured. "It's going to be a…challenge…I know you like those."

"Mommy, guess what?" Kenny stomped through the sand with a sopping wet Connie in tow. He looked as if he was about to burst with some wonderful news, and indeed, without waiting for his mother to guess, he barreled ahead. "This lady down in the water had a dog and she let us play water fetch with him! He was a good swimmer too, he swam faster then you!"

"That was nice of her. Did you remember to say thank you?"

"Yeah! Oh and Connie has something to ask you…"

"I do?"

"Yeah…don't you 'member? You're 'posed to ask her about…"

"No you ask her!"

"Ponytails first!"

"Okay, okay, I'll ask her," Connie sent his brother one more stare before snuggling between Olivia and his mother. Placing his head on her arm, he smiled broadly and gazed sweetly into her eyes. "Can we get a-"

"Don't even think about it! Nice try Connie."

"How'd you know what we was going to ask for?" Kenny shot her a puzzled stare. "Are you a psycho?"

"Physic, Kenny, the word is physic," Alex laughed and nudged Olivia who was leaning on her side laughing. "And as an answer to your question I know you well enough to know what you guys want."

"But Mommy, everybody has a dog" Kenny whined.

"Olivia do you gots a dog?" Connie piped from his mother's arms.

"No, can't say that I do."

"Not everybody has a dog Kenny."

"Hey!" he snapped, inching up on his brother. "Whose side are you on?"

"That's enough guys," Alex interjected between laughs. "I think you guys need something to eat. Olivia there's this great burger joint around here; want to try it out?"

"Sure, why not? It's nearing dinner anyway."

"You need help Olivia?" Connie asked shyly, already helping her roll her towel.

"I thought girls had cooties Connie…" Kenny giggled and smiled smugly.

"They do but she's not a girl, she's a lady."

"She used to be a girl, dummy."

"Then she _used_ to have cooties," Connie stared at his brother with a look of pity and turned back to Olivia. "Need more help?"

"No thanks, buddy, I got it."

"Mkay," with that he run up the beach to join Kenny who'd already started towards the car.

"Those two crack me up," Olivia confessed as she and Alex walked barefooted towards the car. "The way they just feed off of each other's personality is so cute."

"Don't be duped by their cuteness, they can be little devils sometimes."

"Even Connie? He seems too quiet and shy to get into any trouble."

"It's always the quiet one that's behind everything. Well not _everything_, but Connie is very logical. He calculates everything he does and says, and executes his plans calmly and quietly. Kenny on the other hand his painfully direct. He doesn't give a damn; he says and does what he wants, but he doesn't break the rules, he bends them."

"I guess they've got different aspects of their parent's personalities."

"Lucky them," Alex laughed. Suddenly all the humor that had filled her smile faded and she stopped walking. She stared out towards the water, not making eye contact with Olivia. The unwanted tears in her voice were evident. "I feel so sorry for Kenny and Connie. If things go wrong they'll be in the middle. They're smart and tough but this is all going to be difficult for them to understand."

"Give them small details; they don't have to know everything yet, you can explain the rest when you feel absolutely ready."

_At the end of the room was a closed door, and beyond that, another room--a room she must get into because he was waiting for her. She moved toward the door but stopped when she heard his voice behind her. "They're not mine; you and I both know that." She turned to face him, but when she did, he was gone._

Alexandra's eyes opened at that point and she stared dully at her bedroom ceiling. For some reason she wasn't worried, she knew her mind was trying to tell her something. John was defiantly not going to accept her children; she was just going to have to live with the fact that she was going to be alone. However, she was still going back east. She had parents whom she knew would be glad to welcome her and her children with open arms. Yet somehow, even with her newfound acceptance, she hoped John would forgive her. However, the lawyer in her was prepared for the best and worst.

She rolled over and prepared to go to sleep again. Olivia insisted on taking care of the boys while she got some rest. Alex being Alex had refused, but Olivia ignored her and immediately scooped up the twins for their bath. Closing her eyes Alex felt herself drifting into a deep sleep when there was a somewhat irritating knock on her door. To her surprise she ignored it, burying her head in her pillows and pulling the soft down comforter over her neck.

She was half annoyed when she heard the door open anyway, and realized someone was crossing her room towards her bed. Olivia. Olivia had been checking up on her throughout her nap, making sure she was alright, being a good friend. These comforting intrusions demanded no attention from Alex, which was fine by her.

This time, though, she felt the comforter open and felt two sets of damp legs rub across her own. Startled, she set up and stared into four identical eyes.

"We heard you and Olivia talking and you said we were going to New York, why?" Kenny asked, his eye brow arched. For the first time she found the characteristic painful.

The aggravation that had once run through her thoughts vanished and the potent emotions of fear, sadness, and love crept over her features and evaded her eyes. "The three of us have to have a talk."

"Mommy are you sad?" Connie asked quickly. "You can tell us later."

"Don't worry Connie, I'll be alright. Now, this might be hard for you to understand but I just want you to trust Mommy and know I would never ever hurt you or lie to you on purpose." When they just stared at her she continued. She felt comforted when Kenny laid his little head on her shoulders.

"Before you guys were born I lived in New York City with Olivia and a lot of other people. I used to be a lawyer for the city. My job was to make sure the bad people that Olivia and the other detectives brought in were put in jail and the victims got justice."

"Did you like your old job?" Kenny asked.

"Sometimes, sometimes I had to do things that made me sad in order to win. I didn't like doing that."

"What kind of things?"

"I'll explain that part to you when you get a little older, Kenny, but right now we've need to talk about the basic stuff. Anyway, about ten months before you were born a bad man was upset at me because he'd done something awful and I teased him about it. Like most people, he didn't want to be embarrassed. Because I made him feel bad he wanted to hurt me and the people I loved. So I had to pretend Alexandra Cabot was dead and I had to move here and be Lara Dobras so nobody would get hurt. When you guys were born I had to give you the last name Dobras and keep you guys a secret so you guys could be safe too."

For a few moments there was a long pause. Connie played with his hair while Alex and Kenny stared off into space. It was Kenny who broke the ice. Looking from her to Connie he shrugged his shoulders and simply asked, "Well what's so bad about that Mommy?"

"It doesn't bother you?" she gawked at him with disbelief. Struggling to process everything she slowly stammered, "Any…you two want to ask me…umm…some questions?"

"Are Kenny and Connie our real names?" Connie asked from his brother's side.

"That's one thing that didn't change. I had to change your last names to keep you safe, but if you guys still want to be Kenny and Connie Dobras instead of Cabot, that's okay."

"No I like Cabot better. Do we get to go to New York to meet all your friends? I like Olivia; are all your friends like Olivia?"

"Yuck Connie! Connie and Olivia sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N…"

"That's enough _Mackinley_," he nodded, but not before sticking his tongue out at his brother. "When do we go?"

"We'll leave when Olivia goes back."

"Wait until I tell Marcus where we're going," Kenny exclaimed jumping from the bed and pulling Connie along with him. "Come on Connie, we still have to show your _girlfriend _how to play Madden 2004."

"She's not my…."

When the door shut Alex hugged her eyes shut and for the first time in a while she went to bed with a real smile.

"Maybe things just might be easy," she said to no one in particular. Turning off the lights, she closed her eyes and fell into a peaceful sleep


	6. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

A graceful summer night's breeze rustled the peach tree nestled in Alexandra's backyard. On its gentle branches bore the fresh fragrance of suburban summer: the sweet smell of ripened fruit, heady floral scents, and the way silence tasted when the cool air was sucked in. For a while Alex believed those aromas had healing powers, if you breathed them in hard enough.

Alex sat on her backyard swing, rocking slightly through the breeze. She felt dead inside. They were to leave for New York this evening; the first one of her biggest dreams, but the anticipation of the actual moment held no joy for her. She would go, because she needed to, and she'd stick with the challenge, because she was disciplined. But for some reason part of her couldn't imagine there being any satisfaction in any of it.

Was it the fear of rejection? No, she'd been rejected before and she could almost deal with being rejected again. She'd have to. Was she afraid to be loved again? Maybe. Having a lover was foreign now; would she know how to cope with a relationship? Another unanswered question. She tried cross-examining the voice inside of her head, trying to bull dog it into giving her answers. It had none. She'd even went so far as to beg, and it laughed. Then with a haughty tone it said, 'you'll just have to wait until you get there, won't you?'

_Shit!_

The crack of a twig made her jump upright and peer through the darkness. Had she imagined it? Or was someone walking around in her yard? She squinted, trying to discern a human figure from the bland darkness, but her tree was casting dancing shadows about the moonlit ground.

She heard the sound again, and was sure; someone was coming towards her. She froze, motionless, not fearfully because there was nothing to fear, but resentful of having her interlude broken. There wasn't really anybody she desired to talk to.

"Mommy? The voice emerged from the darkness. "Are ya there?"

Alex exhaled. Connie. She waved her hand for the boy to join her side. Connie's figure emerged from the blackness and sat down next to her on the swing. She opened her arms to him and he burrowed right in.

"Did I scare you?

"No Buddy, you didn't. You need anything? Do you need help packing?"

"Nope, everything's ready. All we need is you."

"All right," she said getting up and lifting Connie into her arms. "Let's go."

Alexandra watched as Oakland International Airport receded, and smiled softly as she watched her children piling on top of one another to enjoy the view. They'd fought over the window seat during the drive to airport and the only way Alex could think to end the quarrel was to take the seat for herself, neither boys argued with her. And of course they found something as else to fight over. Olivia. Kenny, following in his brother's footsteps, had taken a liking to Olivia and wanted to sit with her on the flight. This quarrel was also easily solved, and Olivia set in the isle seat adjacent to them so no one could sit with her. There were a few protests, but everything else went fine.

Now, sitting in a comfortable business class seat of the United Airlines 757 with the boys and Olivia, setting off for her old home, she thought she could know no greater confusion. However, she decided not to concentrate on that. Like her inner-voice had said, she was just going to have to wait until she got there.

She sensed presence next to her and realized Kenny was lying on her shoulder, still staring out of the window, where Oakland was now a square, turning green and empty. "That's the last time we'll ever see home, Connie," he said to his brother. "Don't be a baby and get homesick."

"We'll be back here in a few weeks Connie," Alex reassured when she saw the look on his face. "And it's okay to get homesick, I get homesick too."

"Mommy, we're not coming back," Kenny countered.

"Oh? And how do you know this?"

"I haven't seen you this happy before. I know you're gonna be too happy to leave. I don't wanna come back anyways, New York is cooler."

She looked at him, unsure of what to say. Was he right? Was she that readable? She did want to stay back east, but why should she if she had nothing to go back to? No job. The DA might not take her back. Her parents? She had no problem flying on a plane. John? There was always the rejection. She sighed, why do these children say things that always make me think?

The weather in New York City during the summer was usually a modest heat, a bit of breeze as the sun would lie overhead, like a protecting parent.

But today the warm sun bathed the busy city alone, breezeless, leaving everything in a golden glow. She stood outside with Olivia and the boys, waiting for Elliot to scoop them up. Lucky for her Elliot knew she was alive and she didn't have to deal with him being surprised. That relaxed her. She and Olivia stood there talking while Kenny and Connie entertained themselves with their Nintendo Gameboys. Everything seemed great and now the lump in her stomach was slowly ebbing.

"There he is," Olivia pointed to the black four-door Toyota Avalon that was coming towards them. She waved her hands in the air grinning from ear to ear. "El, over here!"

Alex watched as the car swerved into a parking space and come to a complete halt. Elliot, still the same built brown haired boy hero, stepped out of the driver's seat grinning ear to ear. Still smiling, he walked around to the passenger's side and opened the door. It was Alex's turn to be surprised.

"Mommy!" A little auburn haired boy flew from the car and into a smiling Olivia's open arms. Alex looked on as Olivia hugged and kissed her…son. Wait? Olivia had a son, with Elliot?

"I missed you so much," she kissed him again before turning to Alex who was holding the hands of her own two sons. "Mikey, this is my friend Alex, my friend in the picture."

"Hi," he shook her hand with a shy smile. "My name's Michael, but everybody calls be Mikey."

"Nice to meet you Mikey," he was a striking boy. He defiantly had Olivia's eyes, they weren't the same shape, but like Olivia's big dark eyes they could read a person's soul, the ability know them before they uttered a word. He was also blessed with her beautiful smile. Unlike his mother, Mikey had an oval face and a thinner nose. Alex figured them to be things he'd inherited from his father, a man who obviously wasn't Elliot.

"Alex also has two sons, Mackinley and Connor," Olivia nodded towards the twins who still had their heads buried in their Gameboys.

"Guys," Alex called; the two came to her side immediately, rolling their suitcases behind them. "This is Mikey, Olivia's son."

"Hi," Kenny said confidently. "I'm Kenny and he's my brother, Connie."

"Hi," Connie mumbled shyly. Mikey nodded his head and then snuggled next to his mother.

"Wait," Elliot piped after a long silence. He looked from Kenny to Connie then at Alex. He gawked at her and Olivia in shock. "Sons?"

"Yes Elliot," Alex smiled. She was praying he didn't ask in inevitable 'with whom?' "This is Connor and this is Mackinley. Guys, meet Elliot Stabler, Olivia's partner."

"I thought only gay people had partners, Mommy," Kenny arched his eyebrow and darted his eyes from Elliot to Olivia. "He's a man and she's a lady."

"Not that type of partner," Growing up in the Bay Area has influenced him. Lucky for her, both Elliot and Olivia found it humorous. "Elliot is Olivia's partner at work. They work together when they solve cases and they're good friends."

"Oh, well nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too," Elliot laughed. "Well now that everybody's acquainted, let's get moving. Cragen still expects me at work."

"Thanks for dinner," Alex said, sipping the warm latté Olivia had served her. After getting herself and the boys checked into a hotel, she'd taken Olivia's offer for dinner. She hadn't known Olivia to be the cooking type, but motherhood changes people. Mikey and the twins were off in his room doing god knows what and now she and Olivia could talk. "You've got to give me that recipe! I wouldn't have thought soy sauce and butter could taste go great together, especially with shrimp."

"And I wouldn't have thought we'd be sitting here exchanging recipes like two middle-aged house wives. But like you said, things have changed."

"For the better," Alex smiled down at a picture of Mikey and Olivia. He was grinning with his arms wrapped around a laughing Olivia's neck; both were dressed formally standing on what appeared to be a dance floor. "Where'd you guys take this?"

"You know that annual get-together the city has to commemorate the NYPD and their families? It was there. Casey took that picture."

"Casey?"

"Sorry," Olivia said, feeling somewhat embarrassed. "I'm just so used to her being around that I figured…"

"She's the ADA?"

"Yeah, she's pretty good. It took us a while to warm up to her, but she's a really great person. Really laid back. She plays softball and rides a bike to work."

"She sounds…not very Lawyer-y."

"When she goes to trial she does a damn good job. She's had her screw-ups, but she's grown a lot while working with us."

"It's great that you guys get along with her so well. I'd like to meet her one day."

"When do you plan on going down to the station?"

"I don't. Well not for a while anyway. It's too soon."

"All right," Olivia placed her steaming mug down to stared at her friend before speaking. "Facing this is like removing a Band-Aid, the slower you do it the more it hurts."

"But the Band-Aid helps the wound to heal; it keeps the unwanted germs out."

"You've got an argument for everything, don't you?

"I'm a lawyer, what do you expect? Or…err…I was anyway."

"Well," Olivia sighed. She picked up her empty cup and started for her sink. "I expect you to win the jury over."

"The jury?"

"The little voices inside of John's head that assess people."

"How the hell do I do that?"

"Make a hell of a speech."

"Mommy did you see that?!" Kenny exclaimed. "I swam in the deep end!"

Kenny, Connie, and Mikey had been swimming the hotel's indoor pool for over an hour and they had yet to grow tired of it. They'd raced, played every water game imaginable, and swam laps but there was no evidence of lack of energy. Alex was experiencing quite the contrary. It had been two days since her conversation with Olivia and she hadn't slept since. How the hell was she going to win?

Now that she thought about it, did it make any sense to stay away? He wasn't the one with the wound. Sure he believed she was dead and he was grieving, but she had the secret. Her. All this was about her! She was dragging this out because of her own fear. She was afraid of his reaction and she was afraid of the changes, but she'd shot fear down before. Her mind was made up; she was going to tell him, damnit, fear or no fear.

"Come guys!" Alex called to the three children. "I've got some calls I need to make."

"You're sure about this?" Olivia asked. Once again the two were sitting in her living room drinking coffee while the boys played in Mikey's room. "You sure you don't want to take a little more time?"

"Weren't you the one who told me to get this over with?"

"Well yeah, but don't rush this."

"I'm not; it needs to be done so I'm doing it."

"All right, whatever you want. So let's go over this again. You want me to basically update Munch. Fill him in on the witness protection program and then drive him over to your hotel so you can talk?" Alex nodded.

"Umm…aren't you going to give him time to process?"

"Tomorrow's Wednesday, there'll be traffic and he can process then. But seriously; if he feels uncomfortable let him know that it's all right if he wants to wait."

"What do I tell Cragen?"

"The truth. He might as well know too."

"And you're sure?"

"If I wasn't, would I commit to this?"

"Do I really need to answer that?"

"No," Alex laughed. "Just make sure he's on time."


End file.
